dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
