No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
