its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
