I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
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