I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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