Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
