Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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