can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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