Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
