Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
