There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
