Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
