I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
