wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
