how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
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