I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize