Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
