Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize