Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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