I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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