last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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