I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
the room spins SO much faster in panama
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
