Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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