also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
