I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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