I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
oh god was she eating orange peels again
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
