I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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