quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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