I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
