I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
