you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize