Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
