I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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