Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
