and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
