I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
