my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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