You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Dignity is for republicans.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
