everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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