Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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