I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
