feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I have fence marks all over my body
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
