Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Randomize
