Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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