so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
