you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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