The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
