I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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