My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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