wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
