So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
