mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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