There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
