Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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