A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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