My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
