the condom got lost in my hair
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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