I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
where are you?
Hypothermia
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
